Last summer, my family decided to take a small holiday. My aunt and cousins lived I Pennsylvania, but despite the relatively short drive our busy schedules made it nearly impossible to visit one another. That Saturday afternoon, we made our way to a small amusement park erected by the boardwalk in Ocean City, Maryland. My sisters and cousins were eager to try a roller coaster they had seen walking in.

“Come with us, V!” My baby cousin cried excitedly to me, taking hold of my hand.

“No love, I’m sorry, but I cannot ride those things.”

“But it’s sooo much fun!!” She continued, giving me what all eight year-olds seem to have an innate mastery of-the puppy dog eyes. I did not budge.

“Sorry Ca, you will have to go with the others. I’m tired and I want to sit here and rest. I will buy us all ice cream when you guys get back.”

Ca left, her excitement subdued, and I felt a sharp pang of guilt. A few minutes later, as the roller coaster swung back and forth and tumbled air, I saw them, screaming in elation, their arms outstretched. I sat in the small chair in the rear of the park, feeling very much distanced from my family at a time when we were trying to bond. I knew that more than just simply wanting to rest, I had an ulterior motive for not wanting to get on the ride. I. Was. Afraid.

I have never liked roller coasters. The feeling that builds up when one is slowly ascending, the heart stopping moment right before the contraption shoots down or changes course, the abruptness with which it ends. All of these things give me great anxiety, and unlike the many people who scream either in fear or exhilaration, whenever I get on a roller coaster, I tend to squeeze my eyes shut, grip my chair tightly and pray it is over quickly.

There is a saying that life is like a roller coaster-the ups, the downs, the twists and turns. Roller coasters do not appeal to me for two other reasons:

First, the way I feel about getting on and experiencing a ride was the same way I feel about life in general. There is a fear that grips me, that fills my heart and wraps its icy cold fingers around it. It closes up my throat and makes breathing impossible. I feel this way when in company of acquaintances, when trying to make new friends, when in any situation that pretty much put me outside of my comfort zone. Roller coasters, to me, are a looming reminder of my inability to let go of my fear, and my ineptitude at taking risks. Facing roller coasters, much like facing a lot in my life, sows a seed of fear in my heart that seems impossible for me to surmount.

The second reason is a more rational one. In the last few years I have been fortunate to travel quite a bit. As such, I have been on quite a few plane rides. I mentioned in my first post that there is not much that scares me physically. However, I have a deathly fear of heights. I am sure many people share this particular fear, but sometimes I feel like mine is a tad extreme. Think of transparent elevators-the ones where you can see around you as you ascend floor after floor. I am sure people experience some fear getting onto those. I experience that fear in closed elevators, on double-decker buses, and after climbing more than four flights of stairs (especially if I make the mistake of looking down). This fear has always been a grave annoyance to me. Imagine being on the topmost floor of a building, or the summit of a mountain, or at the apex of a roller coaster ride. If one opens one’s eyes, right then, the beauty of the world is so vast, there is so much more to appreciate, from this vantage point. One of my biggest regrets whenever I went on rides was that I never really got to appreciate my surroundings because I have always, quite literally, had my eyes closed throughout every ride.

While the above is very real, the metaphor parallels my life situation. Even with my legs on the ground, I feel I have, because of fear, had a narrow view of how life today is. True, I have read countless books, and I know of many academic and non-academic facts. But there is a knowledge obtained from actually experiencing life that even the most detailed book cannot offer.  In this regard, I fear I may have sadly missed out on many an experience that could have proven to be great teaching moments for me.

My fears, in general are not things I can conquer in a day. Even my fear of heights is not one I can be rid of in one fell swoop. But I decided that I needed to do something about this physical fear. If I can acknowledge it, approach it, and face it, maybe one day I can open my eyes to the vast glories that can only be seen from pinnacles in the sky.

WALL CLIMBING

A few weeks into my new job, one of my coworkers was discussing different things she did for exercise. She mentioned wall climbing, and I was intrigued. Is this a thing? Was it like rock climbing? Well, yes and no, she replied, and proceeded to explain to me what wall climbing entailed.

“My gym has a nice wall you can climb if you want. They also have a weight training area if you’re interested so you don’t have to work out and climb in two separate places. You should come sometime and we will climb together,”

I replied that I would look into it. However, fear soon took over my excitement, and I slipped the offer into the back of my mind. A few months later, I found out that a gym quite close to my house also had a wall. I signed up, went to work out a few times, and looked at the looming structure everyday I went in. I saw a few people on ropes at different areas on the wall, but I never made a move to try it.

One evening a week or so ago, Hurricane Florence was in her twilight stage and I was having  a particularly depressing day. I was lying in my bed feeling utterly downcast, when an idea formed in my head. “Today. Do it today“, a small voice whispered. “You are already low, nothing can sink your spirits any further. Just get up and go. You don’t have to know what it’s like. Just go.” Knowing that I had to get up and do as it said or that voice would gnaw and nag at me incessantly,  I woke up, got dressed, and made the twenty-minute walk to the gym. I handed my card to the smiling young lady there who looked at me and said “First time?” I nodded. “Don’t worry, we will give you shoes and equipment and teach you what to do.” I nodded again, took the supplies she handed me, and within a few minutes was dressed and ready to go. Instructions were summarized, I was paired with a belayer-the person that helps you keep your rope secure as you climb-and I was ready.

The wall was a mesh of various routes of varying difficulty (5-5′-5-12′), each depicted by protrudings of different colors. I  started up the wall at the lowest difficulty. Before I put my first foot up, I looked up at the gigantic structure. The bar at the top was the same height as the floor two storeys up. The peak of the wall was on the third floor of the building! How am I supposed to get up there? I thought to myself. As usual, my throat closed up, I could not really breathe, and I felt a bit dizzy. Nevertheless, I found my first support, placed my foot gingerly in it, found two for my hands, and off I went!

A few minutes later, I paused, looking for where to place my foot next. My forehead had broken into a sweat and I could feel some trickling down my shirt. I heard someone say “You can do it, keep going,” and realized it was my belayer’s voice. I looked down, and Holy Shit! I exclaimed to myself. I was more than halfway up! I looked up, and there was the metal bar-still some way up, but a lot closer than it had been a few minutes ago. In that moment, I realized something else-my chest was no longer constricted, my breathing was regular. I was not afraid. My arms were sore from grabbing holds and hoisting myself up, but I continued on, until I touched that metal bar and felt a flush of pride sweep me. As soon as I was lowered, I turned to my belayer and said “I would like to try the next one, please.”

LESSONS:

That day, I went from a 5-5 difficulty climb to a 5-8. My belayers were impressed. “I’ve been working here almost eight months and I’m still on 5-8,” one of them commented. “You come in here for an hour and leave on 5-8.” I was on a high. I had done it! I had not conquered my fear of heights, obviously, but I had taken the first step. On my walk home, I thought about the different things I had come to understand as I tackled the various difficulties on that wall.

1. Fear consumes us, not because it has any power whatsoever, but because we allow ourselves to drown in it. Fear is mostly mental, and even the physical obstacles we encounter are usually difficult to achieve only because we cannot bring ourselves to decide we can, to take a risk, or even make attempts. We fail simply because we avoid. As Leo F. Buscaglia so brilliantly said: “The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.” Truer words have never been uttered.

2. I had to overcome a mental hurdle to get myself up the wall. Going up the wall, however, presented me with another challenge-physically getting myself to the top. Newton’s laws have taught us that objects on earth are more comfortable when going in the direction of gravity, that is, when falling downwards. Upward movement against gravity requires effort, in this case having to pull up one’s entire body mass by one’s arms with the occasional help of the legs. The body can be extremely resilient when the mind is made up. I had very little confidence in my mental prowess until I willed my body to keep going. I had even less confidence in my upper body strength, but there I was, hoisting myself up every step of the way. My body surprised me, and I plan to keep strengthening myself-physically and mentally.

3. One of the things I was surprised to find out was how much strategy was involved in climbing. On more than one occasion, I had to sit back, look at the wall, and visualize what my next step would be. Sometimes my plan would succeed, other times, it would fail. I have been wall climbing another two times since my first time. On the first go, I was extremely successful. The second and third times, I failed to reach the wall’s peak two out of three times on each occasion. I had to reassess my steps, try again, fail again, start over. Nothing fruitful emerges from poor, or lack of planning. Planning, strategy, and assessment-I believe these things are needed in every aspect of life to achieve success.

4. This goes without saying, but when I finally touched the metal bar at the top of that wall, I was in awe! I sat back in my harness and looked out all around me. It was not much of a view, considering we were in an indoor facility, but I let myself imagine for a second that I was at the summit of a high rock. I looked out and saw possibilities in the horizon. It was not much, but it was beautiful. It was not easy getting there, but as people say, the ‘view from the top’ was breathtaking. Oh the limitless things we can see if we only allow ourselves to be challenged!

All in all, climbing was a beautiful, rewarding experience. I cannot be so bold as to proclaim my fear of heights conquered. However, I have taken one step towards alleviating that fear. I know now that if want to climb an actual rock, or hike a mountain, or fall out of an airplane, all I need to do is remove the mental hold on myself and take the plunge.

What about you? What is your fear? What scares you most? Take a risk. The rewards that lie on the other side of fear can be truly amazing!

Until next time,

Veronique Bijou