My first year of medical school was a deeply challenging time for me. For the first five or six months of medical school, I found myself going through an existential crisis. I was twenty-nine, far removed from friends and family, having no real idea of how to organize myself to tackle the rigor of classes, or how to make friends and find community particularly during the COVID pandemic.

I woke up every morning to the feeling that the next test would definitely be the one that got me kicked out of medical school. I wondered what the point was, of waking up every day to tiresome classes and tedious lessons, attempting to study and feeling like nothing stuck. I tried to envision what might become of me if, after struggling to go through the first or second year of medical school, I failed my board exams, or failed to secure a residency spot, or failed out of residency, or did not excel as a physician. Even exercising, which I truly enjoy doing, brought me little pleasure or comfort. What was point of doing all this, if I still looked in the mirror and saw no noticeable difference? What was the point of praying everyday if my situation did not change? What, in point of fact, was the meaning of life?

Midway through that first semester, my institution hosted a competition of sorts, encouraging students to turn in pieces of art or other original works. I submitted the passage below. I did not feel wholly better after writing it, but it did help me understand my why, and began my journey of emerging from the mental funk I was in.

The New year is always a time for introspection, resolution and alterations. Like most people, I would resolve to change numerous aspects of myself at the beginning of every year, only to watch my old habits return by the second week of January. Four years ago, however, I decided the resolutions were unimportant. I did not know how my life would turn out. All I knew was I wanted to be useful. All I needed to do, day after day, year after year, was to find ways to do just that. Whether to myself, or to others, I needed to make myself useful. I am unsure if I have been that these past few years, but I do know what I strive for when I wake up every morning. And that, to me, is better than any list of New Year’s Resolutions. Happy Belated New Year’s, and I hope your year is filled with many instances of usefulness to yourself and others.

On Death, and The Pursuit of Usefulness

I have been thinking quite a bit about death lately.

I have been thinking, that someday, either in the near or far future, there will exist a world to which I will not belong.

They call it The Circle of Life-Birth. Life. Death.

I was born, I am living, and one day, I will die.

These days, it is not difficult to be consumed by thoughts of death.

Our world is being ravaged by a viral pandemic, our climate health is in rapid decline,  

wars, oppression, socioeconomic, religious and political crises wreak havoc on our mental states.

Irrational fears and manipulations widen the existing gaps between nations, peoples and cultures.

And so, I think about Death.

I believe that in being born, in being alive, we are given a chance.

The process of constructing and producing a viable human life could go awry in a myriad of ways

From conception-fertilization, implantation, germination, to birth, growth and maturation.

We who are here, who made it out alive and unscathed, we are special and unique.

It may not seem so, with the state of our world and the state of our minds, but we are, indeed,

The Lucky Ones.

My life is a Gift. An Opportunity.

An opportunity I will one day have to relinquish.

 Whether voluntarily, begrudgingly or unwillingly, I will need to cede my place on earth so another can have a chance at The Circle of Life.

And I. am. Afraid.

I am not Afraid of Death, or of dying. Death must occur for The Circle of Life to be complete.

I do not fear Death.

 What I fear, is to live a life unworthy of the gift I have been given.

Wasted Opportunities. Dreams dreamed but never worked on. Relationships lost from lack of effort. Squandered chances at brightening a day, changing a life.

I do not fear Death. I fear a life of devoid of Usefulness.

Our lives are a struggle. Our world is ridden with disease, injustice, and greed.

But to be alive, is to have the chance to improve our world, for ourselves and our progeny.

What legacy will we leave when our time is up? What will our epitaphs read?

Will we be remembered by few or many, for touching lives, soothing anxious souls, making the world a better place, however small our contribution?

Or will we live a life for ourselves, closing out our Circle with no tangible evidence of our time on earth?

I believe in the Pursuit of Happiness.

But I truly believe the one vehicle to happiness is usefulness, to oneself and to the world.

I believe in the Pursuit of Happiness.

But more importantly,

I believe in the pursuit of Usefulness.

We who are alive, We The Lucky ones.

Our Lives are a Gift and an Opportunity.

How will you live yours?