I began the year 2024 in a state of complete devastation. The December prior I found out I had not been selected for a position as a General Surgery intern. It took me four months to feel as though I could breathe freely again. In June 2024 I began my time as a Transitional intern at Madigan Army Medical Center. I had just gotten married on May 25th, and four days later I made my way to Tacoma, Washington, where I would be for a year, while my husband returned to his home and job in Florida.

We saw each other a total of seven times that year, our visits usually less than forty-eight hours when one factored in the time differences, and the long and costly flights which sometimes ended up being canceled. We discussed our plans for the next year-what we would do if I did not match into surgery for the second time. We tried to envision what life would look like if I were to be sent off as a General Medical Officer-what that would mean for his career and for us, in the very early stages of our marriage.

Thankfully we never got to find out, because on December 13th, 2024, I found out I had matched into a General Surgery residency position at Temple University Hospital. My husband and I had been in a relationship of progressively increasing distance, and we would finally be able to live together after more than two and a half years. Which meant that the year 2025 would begin on a much more positive note than the previous one. I still had six months of Transitional year to go through, but once June 2025 came around we packed our belongings, made the five day-long trip from Washington state to Pennsylvania, and set about settling into life under one roof, in residency (for me) and in a new position and job (for Thierry).

2025 has been a tumultuous year. Outside of the ins and outs of residency, events in my personal life and various discoveries about myself have greatly shaped the state of mind I was in at the end of the year. I will elaborate more, but the long and short of it is this: After a particularly emotionally trying week in December, I realized that I have had a rather severe way of judging myself and my actions, and that I hindering myself from forming new relationships or feeling completely comfortable in new environments.

I have always envied people who could claim space for themselves in the world and make meaningful friendships within hours of meeting, who referred to themselves or were known to be easygoing, or never stressed, or always lighthearted. As a young person I always wanted to be part of a clique, a group, to be surrounded by people, to be able to move in unfamiliar spaces with ease. As I got older, I realized I was always too worried about what people thought of me to be able to do that, so much so that I would not be vocal in certain environments unless the occasion specifically warranted them. I always felt awkward, out of place, nervous, like a square peg in a round hole in almost every situation.

As a child I was always very bold, very carefree, never afraid to approach any situation. As an adult, I am, for better or worse, the least carefree person I know. I am filled with anxiety and worry-about my life, my family, my work, if I would be a good surgeon, my parents’ health, the new nephews and nieces I now have, death (yep, even that). I will still approach any situation I deem worthy of my effort with all of my childlike bravado, but I am most of the time crippled by the fear that I am being judged, or watched, or evaluated, and that punishment is lurking around the corner if I do not meet or exceed mine or other real or perceived expectations. And because I judge myself harshly, I have always made the assumption that everyone else does too.

My biggest epiphany of 2025, which came on that very last day, was that I had not been very treating myself as nicely as I could have been. Sure I went to the gym regularly, got better with my sleep, and tried to keep myself relatively mentally healthy, but somewhere between my teenage and adult years I began holding myself have had to hold myself to near impossible personal standards, especially knowing my own personality, strengths and weaknesses. As I continued into adulthood I began to believe that everyone I met judged me equally as harshly as I judged myself.

Between December 22nd and 26th I recorded a series of videos essentially processing various things that happened with me over my last few weeks at work. I had made a decision to share them, but with every day that passed I realized something new and different about myself, my situation and the emotions I was feeling. On December 26th, my last day of work in the year, I made a final video, which was a culmination of all the little realizations I had come to over the course of the week and throughout the past year. What I had come to realize over the course of the last few months, mercifully enough for me, was that in the grand scheme of things, absolutely no one cares what I do.

That is not to say that I am not being evaluated, or that no one cares if I do well. Of course I am, and of course they do. My program, my peers, my family, people evaluate and they care. What is different is that no one is standing by ready to mete out fire and brimstone if I miss a question, or place a dressing on wrong, or forget some information or how to perform some task, or miss some family event, or participate (or not participate) in some conversation or event. Life does not end, the hammer does not come down, it is really not that serious.

I am not a particularly easygoing person. I have tried to be, and it just does not work for me. I am too stressed, too anxious, too fearful. My home is my refure-everywhere else feels like a battlefield. The minute I leave my house I struggle to breathe, like oxygen is slowly leaving the atmosphere. Any time I am in an unfamiliar place there is a heaviness in my chest, and the familiar questions in my head surface: People are watching, X and Y are doing better, I have to work harder or I will get nothing, etc. Most days I can go about my work with these just lurking in the background, but I tend to be suspicious of every question asked, every offer for help, every hand extended in friendship.

I know that I must give myself some grace, I must cut myself some slack, if I am to navigate being a doctor, resident, wife, active duty personnel, and aunt without exploding from mental strain. This is what I learned of myself in 2025. I need to be nicer, gentler, softer with myself. I need to give myself better TLC. I need to be more open to new connections, new relationships. new friends. I need to take myself way less seriously than I currently do.

I have decided to start a video series documenting a summary of my day every day. How long I will be able to keep it going is questionable, however I did realize talking about these things out loud, even if only to the abyss that was the empty space in my Nissan Rogue, made me feel immensely better. A dear friend of mine who is in a similar career situation always tells me that I need to find a therapist. I know that I need therapy. I need to talk to a professional, to sort these feelings out, to explore them with someone who can help me understand and navigate them better. I believe every person in residency, every person in the healthcare sector, deserves affordable and accessible mental health resources, especially access to a counselor or psychologist. I do not have one-Therapy is expensive, and I only very recently found a Primary Care Physician, so from a practical standpoint a therapist is a bit further down on the list of things I have to address. I will find one eventually; in the meantime I am taking matters into my own hands.

I had planned to name my video series Residency After Hours: Car Therapy, a part of my Residency After hours videos which I am starting on the social media platforms, since I had initially decided to film these on my commute. Today however, I decided to call it Physician, Heal Thyself, since to a certain extent that is the purpose of these videos. This year my goals include teaching myself more about social media, tapping into my creative side and generally more goofing about for the betterment of my mental health. I believe if I stay on my current path of self-inflicted criticisms, things may turn out very poorly for me. Elsewhere, on New Year’s day, I was reminded by a dear friend that there are many of my friends and family who are rooting for me to succeed. I am grateful for them, and see their encouragement as motivation.

I am not a huge fan of resolutions; I never keep them. So this is not a resolution. It is a challenge to myself to take one mentally healthy step every day, to hold space for myself and retrain my brain to think of myself and my efforts positively instead of otherwise. My goal is to reclaim some of that childlike boldness and anxiety-free joy I once had, and hopefully free myself up to make changes that will have a dramatically positive impact on my health and well being.

In Summary, 2025 was a year of discovery and new beginnings. Hopefully 2026 will be the year of Self-love and absolute unseriousness. Anything for excellent mental health.